I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Randomize
