i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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