omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
