Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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