his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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