where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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