if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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