i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
