when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
