You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
