I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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