I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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