My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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