Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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