I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
