I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
