Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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