Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
