My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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