Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
