I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
