The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
