I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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