Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
