Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize