just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
