...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
