I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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