Sry I called you an 8
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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