I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
