she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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