theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
