update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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