Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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