I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
