I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
