I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
