shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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