my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
