i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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