The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Watching her eat just hurts me
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
