Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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