Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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