sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
