I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
