Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
