is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
