That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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