Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize