What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
