after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
