Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
