Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
