He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
