I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
