who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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