Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
