Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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