before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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