Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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